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Jokes "R" us-add them if you got them :)

  
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Jokes "R" us-add them if you got them :)

 
Opontee Opontee
Guru | Posts: 1422 | Joined: 07/09
Posted: 01/24/11
09:55 AM

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'  
OponteeOpontee
Anna Mae quit. Opontee

Opontee Opontee
Guru | Posts: 1422 | Joined: 07/09
Posted: 01/24/11
10:00 AM

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"  
OponteeOpontee
Anna Mae quit. Opontee

Opontee Opontee
Guru | Posts: 1422 | Joined: 07/09
Posted: 01/24/11
10:01 AM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked
"Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"


George said, "Okay".

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George,
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.  
OponteeOpontee
Anna Mae quit. Opontee

Opontee Opontee
Guru | Posts: 1422 | Joined: 07/09
Posted: 01/24/11
12:44 PM

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  
night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed, since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!)
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now, shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!  
OponteeOpontee
Anna Mae quit. Opontee

tuffnuff tuffnuff
Moderator | Posts: 2567 | Joined: 12/09
Posted: 01/24/11
01:52 PM

I love it when justice is served,,, I think bud should have given him a choice,,,
see below LMAO

Animation1

Grin  
When The Flag Drops.,.

tuffnuff

The Bull ***t Stops.,.
tuffnuff

P. Engineer, Engine Builder

Darkitec Darkitec
User | Posts: 130 | Joined: 03/10
Posted: 01/24/11
02:11 PM

A guy puts a bow tie motor in a Pontiac............  

Pontiacman8 Pontiacman8
Moderator | Posts: 5778 | Joined: 02/08
Posted: 01/24/11
02:11 PM

Yep.  
Engine builder,self taught auto body guy.
Horsepower sells engines and torque wins races

Pontiacman8
Pontiacman8
Pontiacman8

My71 My71
Guru | Posts: 1261 | Joined: 02/10
Posted: 01/24/11
04:50 PM

All my jokes are a bit to "racy" to be puttin on a public forum like this one.. demmit all anyway.....  
Jim,

Opontee Opontee
Guru | Posts: 1422 | Joined: 07/09
Posted: 01/25/11
04:52 AM

You Might be Trailer Trash, if..


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words to' The Star Spangled Banner' are, "Gentlemen, start your engines".

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

21. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

22. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it  
OponteeOpontee
Anna Mae quit. Opontee

Torqued400 Torqued400
Addict | Posts: 2479 | Joined: 10/08
Posted: 01/25/11
06:08 AM

..If all the cars in your yard are sitting on concrete blocks.  
"We build Excitement"

Brazil Brazil
Addict | Posts: 3963 | Joined: 06/09
Posted: 01/25/11
07:32 AM

..and you know they are sitting on concrete blocks but can't find them.  

Brazil Brazil
Addict | Posts: 3963 | Joined: 06/09
Posted: 01/25/11
07:40 AM

knock knock....  

big-g-67gto big-g-67gto
Guru | Posts: 913 | Joined: 07/10
Posted: 01/25/11
07:55 AM

Who's there Confused  
I got that Tin Indian GRIN!!

Brazil Brazil
Addict | Posts: 3963 | Joined: 06/09
Posted: 01/25/11
08:03 AM

The police, we mowed the grass and found the cars - and the SPCA is here to remove all the stray cats.  

Torqued400 Torqued400
Addict | Posts: 2479 | Joined: 10/08
Posted: 01/25/11
08:20 AM

Just break down and take that craftsman to "The Guy"  
"We build Excitement"

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